Finding Safety
- Feb 20
- 3 min read
Without Pretending Things Are Fine
We live in a world that tells us we either feel good (we’re successful at life) or feel bad (we’re mucking things up somehow).
But the truth is life is not like that.
It is not binary.
It is not a dualistic battle to be on one side or the other.
It is mostly not even EITHER/OR.
We are complex beings. Not to mention, complex systems.
We do not feel only one way, have only one experience.
We are not all good or all bad, all happy or all sad.
Emotionally, physically, mentally, even spiritually we can have many many nuanced experiences at once.
We can be in pain and feel happy. We can be angry and feel grounded (or regulated). We can experience grief and still feel steadiness in our body, in our life, in our being.
The problem with the either/or approach to the human experience or the human system is that it forces us into a paradigm that makes us fake positivity, unknowingly engage in spiritual bypassing, and dangerously compartmentalize. It fuels the flame of self-hate and self-loathing as we work – desperately sometimes – to check all of the “fix me/fix it”, self-care, self-help boxes (so we can prove that we’re doing everything we can).
Listen, pain (emotional, psychic, social, physical or otherwise) is a survival response. Retreating, disconnecting, hypermobilizing (getting shit done - or what I like to call “go mode”), defensiveness, impatience, anxiety, tiredness, shutting down.
These are all survival responses that your biology engages in to keep you safe. So first, take a moment to breathe deep and let that sink in.
You are not bad, wrong, broken, lost, unlovable, unfixable, or doing a shit job of living your life.
You have a system that is calling for your attention. And that’s all it needs, a little space to soften, which can come in an instant with an ounce of awareness.
When we can tap into an experience of both/and (I am both ______ and I feel _______) we allow ourselves to meet the truth without collapsing under it.
I am (both) strong and I feel depleted.
I am in pain and I have hope/feel grateful for my life/can experience joy.
I am worried and I trust myself.
I feel manic and I can feel my feet on the ground.
I am paralyzed and I can feel my heartbeat moving.
We don’t heal by denying what’s happening.
When we demonize our own physiological intelligence, when we berate ourselves because our SYSTEM – our nervous system – that beautiful intelligence that is both formed and forming is simply doing its best to keep us upright and moving through life, we lose the opportunity to heal.
What if life was always an “and” experience?
There is so much power in being able to acknowledge that even in moments of stress, distress, overwhelm etc., that there is another truth, or many other truths.
It allows us to become more spacious and in that space compassion creeps in.
When you’re feeling overtaken by whatever your version of distress is – what we might call your dominant dysregulated state – simply notice what else is there.
Notice. Name. Ask, “What else is there?” Look for glimmers of ease, softness, quiet, support (the chair under you). You can always look to your breath or your heartbeat.
Here’s a short audio for you that might help:
Finding Safety Without Pretending Things Are Fine
And if you’re interested in exploring these ideas in more depth, consider attending one of the upcoming free Nervous System Salons. Find out when our next one is HERE.